CHRONIC RELAPSER NO MORE
Written by Quinn Fontaine 7/30/2022
The views or opinions expressed here belong solely to the the guest blog contributor.
Photos: Wendy York (before), Daniel Quat (after)
I lost count a long time ago. I've had so many different sobriety dates. So many relapses. So many times I've come back and raised my thousand pound right hand as a newcomer. So many times I've somehow transcended the shame to reclaim my seat and begin again. My new sobriety date is THANKSGIVING 2020 and I intend to keep it for the rest of my life...one day at a time.
I initially bottomed out on crack cocaine, pills, pot, alcohol, sex+love addiction and dangerous behavior in Los Angeles, CA in late 2005. All stemming from pre-verbal childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my dad. The fact that I was AFAB [Assigned Female At Birth] and knew I was transgender by the age of four also factored into my need to numb by any means possible. I was born in 1967 and the word "transgender" didn't even exist in our collective vernacular until much later. The fact that I had no visible role models added to my body based trauma. It's been a long and winding road back to self. As i write this, I'm just shy of celebrating my 8 YEAR MANniversary. My transition from female to male has truly saved my life. It's helped me choose to not only stay clean and sober...but to stay on the planet.
After tempting death multiple times in Los Angeles, I finally and miraculously made my way to THE LIFE HEALING CENTER in Santa Fe, NM. The year was 2006. It was in early Spring, when everything's new and filled with hope. Even me. I had a tiny glimmer of hope. And that glimmer got me there. This would be the first time in my life that I actually surrendered and chose to believe that someone, at least one person, who worked at a place with a name like THE LIFE HEALING CENTER, whose byline at the time was, INTENSIVE TRAUMA RESOLUTION, had to be doing more than just punching a time card.
I arrived late in the evening and the instant I walked into the office I started sobbing and thanking everyone profusely for helping me. Nobody had done anything out of the ordinary. They had simply been kind to me, gentle with me. I'd never felt that level of safety and/or support. I slept like a hopeful baby boy that night even though my legal name was still Kathleen. The next morning I awoke to the most beautiful New Mexico sky. It was April 12th 2006 and maybe, just maybe I had a real chance to heal, integrate, recover and ultimately choose life! I was an inpatient client there for 3 months. It was a powerful beginning to what I consider to be the hardest and most beautiful work I've ever done. The said "work" being reclaiming my essence and authentic power.
My healing path has included so much of life. I've let go of extreme perfectionism and allowed more of the full spectrum of human emotion. Before recovery and the deep trauma healing, I was literally the "life of the party" OR hiding/sleeping for days on end. Now I can get up and show up everyday to the best of my ability. My "best" is different every day and that's another wonderful realization. Learning to be gentler with myself too has been a gift. If YOU're struggling with addiction, gender identity, sexual preference, trauma or anything else...please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE and IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF! There's only one of YOU in the entire cosmos. BE YOU! DO YOU! The world needs YOU! The gifts and talents that can only come through YOU won't be known this lifetime if you don't allow them. Allow them. Reveal. Feel. Heal. Be YOU! Right here and right now.
THE QUINN FONTAINE STUDIO
"PLAY TOGETHER PLANET!"
peace+love+laughter+healing, -quinn.
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